thanksgiving in my heart!!

thanksgiving is a few days away. I am so thankful for all the ways God has worked in my life. We now have this new beautiful home, when i simply trusted in him. Oh how good it will be to celebrate the holidays here, where it's warm and clean and the ceiling isn't falling in around us!! But yet i see so many people struggling right now. If only we could help them all~ I feel like i need to help some, but who?
There are a few who will remain unspoken who did for us when no one else would. Who i depended on for strength and sometimes more. I owe these people a lot. I pray that the lord will bless them as he has me~give them care and comfort and good days to come. I have asked for so much in my life and i always find something new to ask for. I ask this not for myself but for those who i love so much who have done miracles in my life and need you lord right now!!
I pray for happiness and sunshine in their lives. I am happy and so blessed. Not without my days of rain and sometimes tough roads but you are always there for me. Lord you have watched over me and helped me find the right path~ use me now, use my words and any tool i have to help those who are hurting. With thanksgiving here i am reminded of what i have, what i've lost, what i've gained, my life's journey, ~ thank you lord !!

Dawson's birthday

well, yesterday we went as normal to visit my son Dawson's grave for what would of been his 11th birthday. It's always hard but i really wanted to break down after we left. I'm just feeling a little bit emotional right now. We sent balloons up to him and tied some extra special ones to his vase and made a beautiful flower arrangement. The boys always put some cars and little boy toys out there for him to play with. sometimes this makes the holiday season start off a little sad but then good things follow. We had some cake to celebrate last night. I literally felt ill afterwards. Devyn has a sleepover to go to tonight and i think it will be good for him. Today is the day that he passed away so maybe his mind will be on better things tonight. Gabe is supposed to go to a little girls party also , so it will be just me with my emmi. She always makes me smile and her brother would of adored her as well. We miss him and god knows how i have resolved to make everything good in my life and how now i am at peace. but i hurt sometimes. more today and yesterday. Can i forgive myself for letting him down? Did i let go too soon? only god truely understands my feelings. Help me to understand better and more clearly today.
For the last five or six years that i have visited Dawson's grave it has only been our family. Does his father remember? Should he? I don't feel resentful but a little ashamed of him.
Dawson i will love you forever and never forget!!

Be still.....

Psalm 46:10 says to be still in the lord....well sometimes this is quite difficult. For example we have been renting the same house now for over three years and our landlord is the all time worst landlord ever!!! No seriously. We have horrid electical problems like a quarter of it doesn't work. When the electician came out a few years ago he said it was the absolute worst he has ever seen, wires are just spliced into other wires everywhere. It's still the same he never fixed it. The roof is gone literally, He should of replaced it after the ice storm. It is so bad that the ceiling fell in, in our bedroom and in the living room. It has leaked for years and the mold. I am the one who painted over and scrubbed clean all the black mold from the leaks. The sheetrock is gone. He never fixes anything dispite how many times i've told him the condition. So needless to say, I have been so worried and scared. not knowing what we were going to do or where to go. I had to think about my children, Emmi is so young and mold is poisonous. I put it in the lord's hands and just yesterday we signed the papers to buy our first home. it is perfect just what we needed. Nothing bigger or smaller than perfect and a great price. We are so thrilled. It was hard to wait but I knew that God would provide and take care of us, When you are at your wits end and you feel like screaming and then he reminds us. Hey i have this all handled. God is so good to me. Thank you lord for all that you have given to me.

Dawson!!

Allow me to tell a story.....
Around this time of year I always start to get a little sad and often remember thoughts I want to forget. Dawson's birthday is approaching soon and I feel with the change of weather I feel him stronger. I feel the need to share my memories of him.
I was young when I found out I was going to have a child and Dawson was my first. I won't deny how exciting the whole pregnancy was, seeing pictures (ultrasounds), hearing his hearbeat and decorating his room(winnie the pooh). All was ready for this big beautiful boy to come into my life and someone I could love whole heartedly and who would love me in return. There was so many things missing in my life, a father who never wanted me, a mother who acted like I was always in her way, an ex-boyfriend who had moved on to someone new. So when the news of me being pregnant didn't meet everyone's approval~it didn't bug me. Sure I had wanted to wait so that i could give my children more but nothing was going to stop me from taking excellent care of this little guy.
My pregnancy went smoothly~ no bumps or any worries. Everything looked perfect including my weight! When we were induced we had 26 hours of long labor and then the most beautiful and perfect looking baby came into this world. He was 8lbs and 8ozs. Blonde almost reddish hair and the most gorgeous blue eyes. They looked violet. He was breathtaking. Right when our doctor pulled him up and was like," Hey looky here." Then he immediately gave him to a nurse instead of handing him to me. They were looking at him and rubbing his chest and I heard him cry twice real loud~ then nothing. They were making a huge fuss around his bed and I couldn't hardly see what was going on. Then they brought in a incubator. The doctor looked at me and said that they think he has a heart murmur, yea i wish. They took him away and finished up with me. After some time they came in and told me that Dawson's situation had not improved and that they wanted to life flight him over to St. Francis hospital where the Neonatalogist was and he would be admitted to the EOPC unit. Of course, I was up trying to get into a wheelchair and see him off. They brought him by and let me touch him through the incubator and immediatley whisked him away. I never seen two doctors move that fast. In my postpartum room I recieved a call after the neonatalogist has done tests on Dawson and came to a conclusion. He had a horrible birth defect. The whole left side of his heart was not formed. Tell me how they missed that on the ultrasound? There were certain options we had, a heart transplant(which there wasn't enough time to wait for a donor), a new experimental option called the Norwood theory( which there wasn't enough time for either), or we could just let him go. Let him go, what did they mean ? Let him go? Without me? I couldn't! I wouldn't!! How dare you to suggest that I will just give up and let him go!! I jumped up and made the nurses let me go be with him at St. Francis. When I arrived, It was a horrible sight. Everyone left me alone with him for some time and I got to hold him and sing to him. Some people would say he was already gone, but I'll tell you that he was waiting for me. When I started to sing to him, he opened one eye and looked at me. I think that's all he could muster the energy up to do but he was there. They had pierced his lung with a drainage tube to drain the fluids off and he was medicated for the pain. He was dying slowly. His little body was filling up with fluids and his heart couldn't pump them off. We were in a family room when he left us at 2:56 in the morning. The sounds he made as he was leaving ~ I'll never forget. They still haunt me in my nightmares. I was in the most pain I had ever been in my life. I had just given birth to a beautiful huge baby, so the pain down there was insufficating and then I had just lost my heart and that pain was beyond unbearable. Maybe the pain from just having him was good, to help num the pain from just loosing him. How could I go on? We laid him to rest a few days later but the hardest thing in the world was leaving the hospital without him. going home empty handed. We had two beautiful services. The music was perfect, the flowers and oh all the cards and hugs were wonderful but i was empty and broken inside. The hole was there for many, many years. I love you Dawson and still weep at loosing you but now I am happy once again~ and I know that makes you happy. You have three beautiful siblings and they love you too. I will never forget you!! ALways in my heart!

Fire

Well this weekend was eventful. On saturday we were having family over to watch osu then the ou games on tv. Brandon's brother josh, his daughter Ava, Dawna(mimi), and his cousin jeremy. In the middle of the osu game we were in Emmi's room playing with the babies when all of a sudden Devyn screams "FIRE".. he had been yelling stuff all day long, touch down, first down so I was like fire what?!?!? Then we see smoke and sure enough there was a fire in our dinning room. He acted so quickly, I told him to take ava and gabe out into the front yard and stay until it's all clear(i had emmi). I had a candle burning on the table and a veggie tray right next to it and someone put the lid to close and boom, everything was burning. Dawna was trying to put it out with my cloth place mats and brandon was getting water, but the table was ruined. I loved that table. It was like our family altar, we ate their together as a family. We prayed and studied there, we played games there. Obviously the fire was eventually put out and the drama calmed down. Devyn is our little hero. It could of been so much worse. Thank the lord for watching over us and keeping us all safe!!
It ended somewhat well when osu won their game and ou lost theirs?!?! On sunday we spent some time with my grammy and went to church. Not too much longer to wait to see our verdict on the house!!! Keep prayin'
Thankful

busy, busy, busy

We are sooooo busy!! I guess that is a good thing. We are currently thinking of buying a house(that is if everything goes according to plan). My preschool class has started back up again. I have 12 three year olds. Fun. Devyn is playing football, with four practices a week! I want to try to have a yard sale to get rid of a bunch of this junk. Both of the boys have great teachers who love parental involvement and want me to come on upcoming field trips. And our church family asked us to run the awana store again this year.
I said yes. I couldn't say no. We need a little help because doing all of this with Emmalee is very hard. I don't want to let anyone down. I am excited to be teaching this year and it is very rewarding in a personal way but sometimes i want to scream. There is never enough of me to go around and never any moments to just be lazy. Fall is coming up and this is my all time favorite time of year. I am a little bummed not to be putting fall stuff up but what would be the point; if we are moving then we would just have to pack it all up anyway. I hope we get this house. It's not too big, it's just right for us.
Our rental house had gone down hill so badly. Roof is literally falling in, bad plumming, electrical problems of the worst kind, black mold in the master bedroom, it's a little scary to be living here right now. WE prayed a lot about this and i hope god will help us to be ready and that things will go smoothly. So far so good.

Emmalee was refusing to walk, wave bye-bye, talk, etc. and to tell you the truth i was starting to get worried. i was like why isn't she doing any of these things yet? i knew she was smart because when she was presented with something difficult I could see her thinking about how to figure it out. But that didn't mean that she didn't have some type of problem. I thought on all sorts of weird psychological problems late at night and inside worried what if she had a disorder? Well , now i know she was just being STUBBORN!! All of a sudden she decides to cross as many developmental milestones as possible at once. it was Like she says, "hey mom look at wat i can do!" She's walking everywhere, climbing on everything(YIKES), waving and saying sweet little phrases. IT's so precious to hear her. I guess it really is true that every child is different and that they kinda choose their right time to do those lttle things. Good thing I didn't freak out!

Good but busy!

well The boys are back to school! They both got fabulous teachers, the ones we wanted. I will be starting back at Little People's preschool on Aug. 31st. We had our meet the teachers night and I have 13 three year old in my class! Yikes! No really some of them are as sweet as can be. Devyn has football practice four times a week and games on sat. This is a fun sport but costly( time and money). Emmi is feeling better. Gabe is growing up so fast. ican't believe how well he reads for a first grader! He's zooming. Devyn of course is proud of hisself and know s he's a smarty-pants! Emmalee still has her stubborn streak. i'm not sure if this is a stage she is going through or just her personality? She is so independent and headstrong. She refuses to walk? I'm not sure why. She can, we've all seen her walk quite a ways but she refuses to? And god forbid when we have to tell her no. Oh such drama?!?!? I'm guessing that is because she is a little girl but boy are we going to have a time with her.
i kind of can't wait until fall break. i know already but we are always going and it will be so nice to slow down and have some time with my beautiful family! These are the good times is what my grandma always says. She's right.

Emmi's first birthday

Yesterday we celebrated Emmalee's first birthday! It was by far the best out of all of my kidos first birthdays. Meaning no arguements or hateful comments made by anyone and everyone got along perfectly. i really enjoyed myself and Emmi was great. I was worried about her attention span on opening all the gifts but she did wonderful. She got so many new little gifts and all her family was there and lots of little ones. I got a ton of pictures! Then when we bring her home she crashed and the next thing i know is she wakes up with a 102 fever?!?! All day long today she still has had the fever. The tylenol is just kinda lowering it a little bit but it still is there and she is miserable! I don't know how that happened, she went from great to not so good!! People keep saying maybe she's teething, but that's a little high to be teething. Hopefully she will feel better tomorrow. People keep telling me i need to open my own party planning business because i throw the best party's around. Whether it is for a boy or girl or both, adults, children whatever; people seem to have the most fun at our parties and they have the best themes and the most unique ideas. i would love to but i do not have the time. Maybe some day....

totally bummed!!

I hate to argue with family. I recently argued with someone I am close with and we are both married adults so try to keep our family's out of it. It seems to go deeper than that though, I have some "issues" with him about certain things now and we aren't so close anymore. Not the way we used to be, will we ever be again? Or once you grow up and have your own family and life does that mean we change and will never be as we were? That's a sad concept. i know that we both have our priorities in check and our families come first but things didn't used to be this way with us. When we were young things were so simple and we didn't have to worry about the adult issues, now what if he doesn't like my husband or if i don't get along with his wife, where does that leave us? You change when you get married and have your own children, your life gets better. Does it mean you have to say goodbye to your childhood relationships.. all of them? To make any sense of this you would really need to read between the lines. Not every part of growing up is good and this is one of those things.
Here's to good times and bad that we once had and will still have.

Summer is almost over too quickly i might add. It seems that they get less time each year and already it's time to start back. This year will be just as hectic as last(if not more so). I am now teaching my preschool class instead of helping. I like this idea because there was so many things i would of did differently last year and now i can incorporate a lot of my own ideas. It is another responsibility but i want to do well and i hope i don't let anyone down. Devyn is playing football this fall. That's always lots of fun but of course busy with the practices and games. He plays baketball in the winter and both boys play soccer in the spring. Yikes that makes us busy enough then you gotta add emmalee. I need to decide whether or not to try her out in Miss shirley's class or ask my mother in law to watch her. Emmi is awfully young to be in that class but it might work out if i was there too. Or that might be a disaster where i am constantly running from room to room. i have someone else in mind who might like to try and watch her but i feel strange asking her. i would completely trust her but i am not sure. i know it would just be two days a week for only 6 hours at a time but this is my baby we are talking about. But sometimes you have to make difficult choices in order to do all the things you love. Everything is in normal Lyon order....busy enough to make anyone else go weak in the knees but still happy and good. No great, things are great!

Emmi

A wee bit of Heaven

drifted down from above-

A handful of happiness,

A heart full of love.

The mystery of life

so sacred and sweet

The giver of joy

so deep and complete

Precious and priceless

so loveable, too.

The worlds sweetest miracle

Baby, It's you!!

Jesus is the Way

It's hard to think that one day this will all ne no more. I know my faith has grown a lot recently but i sometimes still wonder and doubt myself. Pastor Cate says doubt can be good because then you go looking for a way to prove yourself wrong and the best way is in the bible. Most people want security and some have such little faith. i know where i am going when i die. I know that Brandon and our kids are saved as well but i worry about the family we can't reach. The ones who refuse to listen. They won't budge and we pray for them and ask God to give us the right words and help us to reach them but so far we are still praying. Do they know what lies ahead? Do they think that there is really no God? Do they think that they will be spared? I know that one day soon Jesus is coming. I don't know when but it probably will be soon. There is so much wickedness in the world and so much saddness. It's really a shame when all they have to do is accept the free gift. i hope to reach some of them before it's to late. I will work harder and pray more. For anyone reading this are you saved? Have you asked Jesus into your heart? We are all sinners and he paid the ultimate price for our sins. i will tell you now there is noway to father except through the son. Jesus is the way.

Almost a year ago we welcomed Emmi
a beautiful baby all our own
Nervously and sleepily
We took her to our home
We figured out the nursing
This goes how? and where?
we knew there would be crying
yes and lots of care.
a year has gone by so quickly
we have learned so much
we've felt a love so strongly
in a gentle baby's touch
Her laughs and smiles. her pouts and tears
Wow!! She can get so mad.
But we wouldn't trade a minute
we are a thankful mom and dad.
Almost a years gone by
My how time has flown
I can't believe
How Emmi has grown
She is such a joy!
She is so much fun!
Oh My!! My baby's turning one!!!

celebrating the fourth

Yesterday was the fourth of July and our family had a blast out at my sister's house. Almost everyone was there with the except of a few. Good food, fun, family and swimming and fireworks what more could we ask for. it was hot and humid but the pool was nice and cold and boy can my two boys swim good. i insisted on it early that they learn proper and they do quite well. Emmi loves the water too. Brandon was doing backflips off their diving board and then Devyn learned how to do a front flip. i got upset once because somebody set off this huge firework right behind Emmi and me. It was like this enormous ring of nothing but blackcats?!?! It took forever to stop and we were so close that i grabbed her ears and started to run. I really became quite enraged and didn't hide it either. I don't even know why u would buy something like that. i hate those stupid ones. The big artertilary shells are super cool, fountains, anything that actually does something, but those ones that just pop real loud are a waste. Aside from that it was great. Lisa D was an onery little thing. She kept getting everybody. Emmi peed on Becki once..woops. It was so good to see my nieces and nephews. I miss them and they are growing up to fast. Zack had this funny turtle named Tuck. Dude it was like the smartest little turtle ever. It was so neat. I don't no where he always gets these cool little reptiles but he seems to always have a stock of them. Shell had a new baby kitten... so cute!! Beck also had one with no tail?! now she seems to get more animals missing body parts than anyone else? We have a strange bunch. On the way home God had his own fireworks show going on, talk about a lot of lightening!!
It was crazy!!! Great independence day!!!!

sweet days

My little girl is starting to try walking now. She waited longer than both boys and it only makes sense to me. She can crawl faster than walk so she takes a few steps or one then sits down and crawls. She knows we want her to walk so she stands there and sorta starts to slowly sqat down until she can take off crawling. She will be a year here in month and a week. I can't believe it. She means so much to this family. We saw with our own eyes how two couples this year at our church lost a baby and i cannot thank the lord enough that she is healthy and happy. I don't feel guilty for it but i sympathize with them and hurt for them. I all to well know the huge hole in their hearts right now. I remember it and that deep saddness. My life now is such a different story but only until i chose to give my pain to God. Only he can fill up that hole with happiness and love and strength. I have three beautiful children and one little angel baby i will never forget. But now i don't have to cry when i think of him, believe it or not i can smile now and say some day i will see him again.

Vacation was awesome!!!
We went on a little vacation down to the city and we had a blast.
Friday we drove down and got into our hotel room then we decided to go
to the okc zoo.
It was cool and different but the Tulsa zoo is far better. We had been going to our zoo so often we didn't realize just how good ours is. They had this neat thing for their big cats though. It was like a lion overlook. They had so much room. I wish the cats at this zoo had that. Then we went out to eat and came back and swam in our hotel pool. It was like a billion degrees outside so the pool felt magnificent. It was huge and very clean. Thekids loved it and i got great pictures. The next morning we woke up and ate breakfast and we went to frontier city. It was hot but we really didn't notice. I can't believe it the boys rode like every ride in the park including all the rollercoasters. Gabe was scared at first and so i assumed he wouldn't do it but he quickly got over it and enjoyed them. Devyn has a real fear of heights, always has but he faced his fear and loved them all. His first ride was the diamond back. Gabe got to be a castaway in survivor live and it was neat to watch. Sunday morning we went to the Tulsa zoo and the weather was much nicer to us. Then we came home and swam in our pool and grilled out. It was a nice little vacation and the kids had a great time. Emmi even did okay. We all feel energized now!! This summer so far has been great.

bad dream...

I hate bad dreams. We all do.
Last night i had one.
It was late at night and we were some place like a storage unit where there were a lot of
storage units around. it was in a bad neighborhood and not to mention late.
WE were homeless and i guess forced to live on the streets so we were rumaging for
stuff in the garbage of this storage unit. There was a broken chain fence running around the place and it was cold very cold. Gabe called to me from down the road a little bit and said mom these men are just staring at me and i saw these six men just waiting by the fence. I told him to run to me as fast as he could and i ran to him and then those men started running for us too. For some reason they wanted Gabe for something like experiments or something hideous. It was very frightening and intense. So i woke up at like 4:45 and couldn't sleep any more after that. I realized though that there are a lot of people living on the streets and in a scary place. With the economy being what it is. It is sometimes a sad world and i thank the lord that we have a nice clean home and brandon has a good job. You never know when all of that can change.

What the?

In all my confusion with time and all, I got completely confused and i thought that last sunday was father's day?
Someone told us saturday night that it was next week?
They were right of course . When did i get that stuck into my head?
It gives me another week to prepare though.
WE took the kids to see "UP" and "night at the museum2"
They were both hilarious. Go see them if you get the chance.
Now we are trying to get our pool up,
Our wonderful dog Rod who is ever so obedient chewed like a billion holes in the linning.
Time for a New one probably.

something stinks!

Peewww.
I have never seen anything so dirty as to when Devyn stepped off the bus!
Yuck he was filthy. After we hugged for a few minutes i asked what are you wearing? He said it was the cleanest thing he had. it was yucky. The bag of dirty wet clothes went straight into the washer then i dug into the suitcase where i found incredibly wet towels and shoes and a half eaten ring pop. Sticky yucky but man o man was i ever glad to have him home!!

storms a coming.....

Stormy weather.

Devyn is almost back and we get this massive storm that blows through here causing wind damage and the rain is downpour and i watch the news and sure enough the storm is heading north northeast straight up to where they are traveling back home?!?!
Good grief!
It's the last day and i have worried about him enough as it is , could i please just have my child back in one piece?
i'll be glad when this is over.
I hate camp!

Missing Devyn...

Today is Thursday and Devyn is going to be back with us tomorrow. He left for camp on Monday morning and we have missed him something horrible. He called us tuesday evening a little upset. For one they were sleeping in a chicken coop? Someone stole his sunscreen so he was burnt on his forehead. Then he wasn't sleeping well. then he proceeded to tell me about all the fun he was having? So i gathered he was just missing us to and although i thought that i might have to make the drive up there, he seems to be having a great time. Gabe cried when Devyn left and he has been "bored out of his gore" as Gabe puts it.
i have kept incredibly busy so as to not think about him being away but his absence is still on the forefont of my mind. Constant worry........