Dawson's birthday

well, yesterday we went as normal to visit my son Dawson's grave for what would of been his 11th birthday. It's always hard but i really wanted to break down after we left. I'm just feeling a little bit emotional right now. We sent balloons up to him and tied some extra special ones to his vase and made a beautiful flower arrangement. The boys always put some cars and little boy toys out there for him to play with. sometimes this makes the holiday season start off a little sad but then good things follow. We had some cake to celebrate last night. I literally felt ill afterwards. Devyn has a sleepover to go to tonight and i think it will be good for him. Today is the day that he passed away so maybe his mind will be on better things tonight. Gabe is supposed to go to a little girls party also , so it will be just me with my emmi. She always makes me smile and her brother would of adored her as well. We miss him and god knows how i have resolved to make everything good in my life and how now i am at peace. but i hurt sometimes. more today and yesterday. Can i forgive myself for letting him down? Did i let go too soon? only god truely understands my feelings. Help me to understand better and more clearly today.
For the last five or six years that i have visited Dawson's grave it has only been our family. Does his father remember? Should he? I don't feel resentful but a little ashamed of him.
Dawson i will love you forever and never forget!!