Dawson!!

Allow me to tell a story.....
Around this time of year I always start to get a little sad and often remember thoughts I want to forget. Dawson's birthday is approaching soon and I feel with the change of weather I feel him stronger. I feel the need to share my memories of him.
I was young when I found out I was going to have a child and Dawson was my first. I won't deny how exciting the whole pregnancy was, seeing pictures (ultrasounds), hearing his hearbeat and decorating his room(winnie the pooh). All was ready for this big beautiful boy to come into my life and someone I could love whole heartedly and who would love me in return. There was so many things missing in my life, a father who never wanted me, a mother who acted like I was always in her way, an ex-boyfriend who had moved on to someone new. So when the news of me being pregnant didn't meet everyone's approval~it didn't bug me. Sure I had wanted to wait so that i could give my children more but nothing was going to stop me from taking excellent care of this little guy.
My pregnancy went smoothly~ no bumps or any worries. Everything looked perfect including my weight! When we were induced we had 26 hours of long labor and then the most beautiful and perfect looking baby came into this world. He was 8lbs and 8ozs. Blonde almost reddish hair and the most gorgeous blue eyes. They looked violet. He was breathtaking. Right when our doctor pulled him up and was like," Hey looky here." Then he immediately gave him to a nurse instead of handing him to me. They were looking at him and rubbing his chest and I heard him cry twice real loud~ then nothing. They were making a huge fuss around his bed and I couldn't hardly see what was going on. Then they brought in a incubator. The doctor looked at me and said that they think he has a heart murmur, yea i wish. They took him away and finished up with me. After some time they came in and told me that Dawson's situation had not improved and that they wanted to life flight him over to St. Francis hospital where the Neonatalogist was and he would be admitted to the EOPC unit. Of course, I was up trying to get into a wheelchair and see him off. They brought him by and let me touch him through the incubator and immediatley whisked him away. I never seen two doctors move that fast. In my postpartum room I recieved a call after the neonatalogist has done tests on Dawson and came to a conclusion. He had a horrible birth defect. The whole left side of his heart was not formed. Tell me how they missed that on the ultrasound? There were certain options we had, a heart transplant(which there wasn't enough time to wait for a donor), a new experimental option called the Norwood theory( which there wasn't enough time for either), or we could just let him go. Let him go, what did they mean ? Let him go? Without me? I couldn't! I wouldn't!! How dare you to suggest that I will just give up and let him go!! I jumped up and made the nurses let me go be with him at St. Francis. When I arrived, It was a horrible sight. Everyone left me alone with him for some time and I got to hold him and sing to him. Some people would say he was already gone, but I'll tell you that he was waiting for me. When I started to sing to him, he opened one eye and looked at me. I think that's all he could muster the energy up to do but he was there. They had pierced his lung with a drainage tube to drain the fluids off and he was medicated for the pain. He was dying slowly. His little body was filling up with fluids and his heart couldn't pump them off. We were in a family room when he left us at 2:56 in the morning. The sounds he made as he was leaving ~ I'll never forget. They still haunt me in my nightmares. I was in the most pain I had ever been in my life. I had just given birth to a beautiful huge baby, so the pain down there was insufficating and then I had just lost my heart and that pain was beyond unbearable. Maybe the pain from just having him was good, to help num the pain from just loosing him. How could I go on? We laid him to rest a few days later but the hardest thing in the world was leaving the hospital without him. going home empty handed. We had two beautiful services. The music was perfect, the flowers and oh all the cards and hugs were wonderful but i was empty and broken inside. The hole was there for many, many years. I love you Dawson and still weep at loosing you but now I am happy once again~ and I know that makes you happy. You have three beautiful siblings and they love you too. I will never forget you!! ALways in my heart!