the great pretender..

I think that i like many other mothers who have gone through a loss have gotten really good at hiding our pain. I am a great pretender. I am smile and laugh and carry on seeming like everything is alright but there are times when inside I am dying. I dare not to talk about it for fear that people will think geez isn't she over this yet. It's been 11 years since i lost my son and I have good days and bad days. i can bare with things now and i don't melt to tears like i did so many years ago and I am very happy. I should be. I have three beautiful children who adore me and my husband. They are the world to me and i am so proud of them. I am in all aspects blessed but still there are times when i feel my loss and think how deep is my sorrow still. i feel like i am 100 years old. Not young and springy like my friends. i often make friends with older people because i feel like i have more in common with them. i am old on the inside. I do not have this huge hole i once had for God has filled it with love from my three sweet peas but there's still room for more. I would of loved Dawson to the moon and back and been the most adoring mother to him as well. I don't speak of him as much anymore. Technically I don't think i am supposed to. Isn't there some type of time frame for these things. Well I will never forget. I remember it all and he is in my heart forever. At least if i write about it on here no one will have to listen to me and i won't seem crazy. I teach young children preschool and they don't want some derranged womam teaching their child so every now and again i need to let it all out and say, Hey i was hurt real bad once and I have the scars to prove it!
There will be better days to come again but today is hard. I miss the chance i did not get to hold my first son. I will hold him one day in heaven. He is waiting on me i know. I hope he is proud.