the great pretender..

I think that i like many other mothers who have gone through a loss have gotten really good at hiding our pain. I am a great pretender. I am smile and laugh and carry on seeming like everything is alright but there are times when inside I am dying. I dare not to talk about it for fear that people will think geez isn't she over this yet. It's been 11 years since i lost my son and I have good days and bad days. i can bare with things now and i don't melt to tears like i did so many years ago and I am very happy. I should be. I have three beautiful children who adore me and my husband. They are the world to me and i am so proud of them. I am in all aspects blessed but still there are times when i feel my loss and think how deep is my sorrow still. i feel like i am 100 years old. Not young and springy like my friends. i often make friends with older people because i feel like i have more in common with them. i am old on the inside. I do not have this huge hole i once had for God has filled it with love from my three sweet peas but there's still room for more. I would of loved Dawson to the moon and back and been the most adoring mother to him as well. I don't speak of him as much anymore. Technically I don't think i am supposed to. Isn't there some type of time frame for these things. Well I will never forget. I remember it all and he is in my heart forever. At least if i write about it on here no one will have to listen to me and i won't seem crazy. I teach young children preschool and they don't want some derranged womam teaching their child so every now and again i need to let it all out and say, Hey i was hurt real bad once and I have the scars to prove it!
There will be better days to come again but today is hard. I miss the chance i did not get to hold my first son. I will hold him one day in heaven. He is waiting on me i know. I hope he is proud.

update to all...

well it has been a long time since i last wrote anything but boy were we busy. the holidays were wonderful. probably a fairy tale christmas, lots of snow, family, too much food and gifts but the memories are beautiful. We went to dry gultch and rode the christmas train. we took a white carriage ride through rhema and saw the lights. we saw our favorite santa at spunky creek.and o ya brandon lost his job?!?! ya that was the sore spot.the one thing that might have severly messed up our holidays.. I couldn't understand why. why did it have to happen? brandon prays often is very strong in his faith and it seemed like we needed god more than ever. He kept appyling at just about everywhere but no call backs? we were starting to get really scared. it is probably the most difficult thing to just simply trust in the lord. that he will provide for us. We are adults here, who have to take care of our children and be responsible so i find it very hard to simply surrender it all and know that god will take care of us. i will try harder at this. but it just so happened that he is...
Brandon managed to get a once in a lifetime interview and sure enough nailed the job!!
He is now a hybrid out of hillcrest medical center. He will be the senior tech and manager to the tulsa office for a company called PDS NOW. the national manager interviewed brandon and liked him and his style and offered him this positon. He will start out making a little more than when he left navistar but quickly will increase. He will have a new company car, a new blackberry, and a new laptop. he is so excited and i am thrilled for him. this was such a blessing to our family and the lord knew and takes care of us. I am so thankful. I should learn to trust in him more and know that god is in control. it was his will and now it all makes sense. at first we didn't understand it at all but seldom do we ever, now it all seems perfectly clear. I admit that i was upset and even angry but i will learn to trust and surrender it all. What a mighty god we serve!!