Dawson!!

Allow me to tell a story.....
Around this time of year I always start to get a little sad and often remember thoughts I want to forget. Dawson's birthday is approaching soon and I feel with the change of weather I feel him stronger. I feel the need to share my memories of him.
I was young when I found out I was going to have a child and Dawson was my first. I won't deny how exciting the whole pregnancy was, seeing pictures (ultrasounds), hearing his hearbeat and decorating his room(winnie the pooh). All was ready for this big beautiful boy to come into my life and someone I could love whole heartedly and who would love me in return. There was so many things missing in my life, a father who never wanted me, a mother who acted like I was always in her way, an ex-boyfriend who had moved on to someone new. So when the news of me being pregnant didn't meet everyone's approval~it didn't bug me. Sure I had wanted to wait so that i could give my children more but nothing was going to stop me from taking excellent care of this little guy.
My pregnancy went smoothly~ no bumps or any worries. Everything looked perfect including my weight! When we were induced we had 26 hours of long labor and then the most beautiful and perfect looking baby came into this world. He was 8lbs and 8ozs. Blonde almost reddish hair and the most gorgeous blue eyes. They looked violet. He was breathtaking. Right when our doctor pulled him up and was like," Hey looky here." Then he immediately gave him to a nurse instead of handing him to me. They were looking at him and rubbing his chest and I heard him cry twice real loud~ then nothing. They were making a huge fuss around his bed and I couldn't hardly see what was going on. Then they brought in a incubator. The doctor looked at me and said that they think he has a heart murmur, yea i wish. They took him away and finished up with me. After some time they came in and told me that Dawson's situation had not improved and that they wanted to life flight him over to St. Francis hospital where the Neonatalogist was and he would be admitted to the EOPC unit. Of course, I was up trying to get into a wheelchair and see him off. They brought him by and let me touch him through the incubator and immediatley whisked him away. I never seen two doctors move that fast. In my postpartum room I recieved a call after the neonatalogist has done tests on Dawson and came to a conclusion. He had a horrible birth defect. The whole left side of his heart was not formed. Tell me how they missed that on the ultrasound? There were certain options we had, a heart transplant(which there wasn't enough time to wait for a donor), a new experimental option called the Norwood theory( which there wasn't enough time for either), or we could just let him go. Let him go, what did they mean ? Let him go? Without me? I couldn't! I wouldn't!! How dare you to suggest that I will just give up and let him go!! I jumped up and made the nurses let me go be with him at St. Francis. When I arrived, It was a horrible sight. Everyone left me alone with him for some time and I got to hold him and sing to him. Some people would say he was already gone, but I'll tell you that he was waiting for me. When I started to sing to him, he opened one eye and looked at me. I think that's all he could muster the energy up to do but he was there. They had pierced his lung with a drainage tube to drain the fluids off and he was medicated for the pain. He was dying slowly. His little body was filling up with fluids and his heart couldn't pump them off. We were in a family room when he left us at 2:56 in the morning. The sounds he made as he was leaving ~ I'll never forget. They still haunt me in my nightmares. I was in the most pain I had ever been in my life. I had just given birth to a beautiful huge baby, so the pain down there was insufficating and then I had just lost my heart and that pain was beyond unbearable. Maybe the pain from just having him was good, to help num the pain from just loosing him. How could I go on? We laid him to rest a few days later but the hardest thing in the world was leaving the hospital without him. going home empty handed. We had two beautiful services. The music was perfect, the flowers and oh all the cards and hugs were wonderful but i was empty and broken inside. The hole was there for many, many years. I love you Dawson and still weep at loosing you but now I am happy once again~ and I know that makes you happy. You have three beautiful siblings and they love you too. I will never forget you!! ALways in my heart!

Fire

Well this weekend was eventful. On saturday we were having family over to watch osu then the ou games on tv. Brandon's brother josh, his daughter Ava, Dawna(mimi), and his cousin jeremy. In the middle of the osu game we were in Emmi's room playing with the babies when all of a sudden Devyn screams "FIRE".. he had been yelling stuff all day long, touch down, first down so I was like fire what?!?!? Then we see smoke and sure enough there was a fire in our dinning room. He acted so quickly, I told him to take ava and gabe out into the front yard and stay until it's all clear(i had emmi). I had a candle burning on the table and a veggie tray right next to it and someone put the lid to close and boom, everything was burning. Dawna was trying to put it out with my cloth place mats and brandon was getting water, but the table was ruined. I loved that table. It was like our family altar, we ate their together as a family. We prayed and studied there, we played games there. Obviously the fire was eventually put out and the drama calmed down. Devyn is our little hero. It could of been so much worse. Thank the lord for watching over us and keeping us all safe!!
It ended somewhat well when osu won their game and ou lost theirs?!?! On sunday we spent some time with my grammy and went to church. Not too much longer to wait to see our verdict on the house!!! Keep prayin'
Thankful

busy, busy, busy

We are sooooo busy!! I guess that is a good thing. We are currently thinking of buying a house(that is if everything goes according to plan). My preschool class has started back up again. I have 12 three year olds. Fun. Devyn is playing football, with four practices a week! I want to try to have a yard sale to get rid of a bunch of this junk. Both of the boys have great teachers who love parental involvement and want me to come on upcoming field trips. And our church family asked us to run the awana store again this year.
I said yes. I couldn't say no. We need a little help because doing all of this with Emmalee is very hard. I don't want to let anyone down. I am excited to be teaching this year and it is very rewarding in a personal way but sometimes i want to scream. There is never enough of me to go around and never any moments to just be lazy. Fall is coming up and this is my all time favorite time of year. I am a little bummed not to be putting fall stuff up but what would be the point; if we are moving then we would just have to pack it all up anyway. I hope we get this house. It's not too big, it's just right for us.
Our rental house had gone down hill so badly. Roof is literally falling in, bad plumming, electrical problems of the worst kind, black mold in the master bedroom, it's a little scary to be living here right now. WE prayed a lot about this and i hope god will help us to be ready and that things will go smoothly. So far so good.